Many women report changes in their libido postpartum – it’s important to know that you’re not alone and this isn’t forever.
It is a common recommendation that women wait a minimum of 2 weeks and generally at least 6 weeks after giving birth before having sex again. This is to allow for acute healing whether you’ve had a caesarean or a vaginal birth. Many women also bleed for up to 6 weeks post-birth. Postpartum bleeding is called Lochia. Beyond this 6 week mark, there is often little talk or education around changes in libido and the way that sex may feel.
What is libido?
Libido is a term used to describe your sex drive, or your desire to have sex. Libido is an extremely individual thing person to person, and it can also change significantly at different times in your life due to many factors including:
- Stress levels
- Mood
- Health of a relationship
- Fatigue
- Feeling ‘touched-out’
- Medications (including birth control pills and injections, as well as SSRIs also known as anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants)
- Health conditions such as hypothyroidism, endometriosis, chronic pain conditions
- Body image
- Hormones (ie. You may experience libido differently at different time in your menstrual cycle – you can learn more about the menstrual cycle here, postpartum, in perimenopause and menopause)
Is libido the same for men and women?
Our culture suggests that men have a higher libido than women – we are constantly exposed to TV shows, movies, books, jokes & memes expressing that men have a higher libido than women. This simply is not the case within every heterosexual couple. I want to mention this because it is not only women who experience changes in their libido postpartum.
Men can experience changes in libido postpartum too.
When a man becomes a father for the first time, he experiences changes too. His libido may lower for a time due to changes in his testosterone levels, which is common in species where males help to care for their offspring. This process begins during pregnancy and continues into parenthood. He also may feel afraid of hurting his partner when first starting to have sex again after supporting his partner thorugh childbirth and the challenges of recovery.
There are challenges associated with being the partner in a relationship with both the higher and lower libido.
Is something wrong with my libido?
The short answer to this is no – there isn’t something ‘wrong’. If you’re experiencing low libido, it’s likely that your body and/or your nervous system is trying to tell you something.
When I’m talking with my clients about their libido, the most important question that I ask them is:
Are you able to participate in sex or masturbation in the way that you would like to?
What I mean by this is:
- Do you feel like you want to want to experience sexual pleasure?
- Are you only wanting to have a higher libido for your partner?
- When you do have sex, do you enjoy it?
- Do you feel like you get to do the things that feel good for you?
Of course, all of these questions are keeping in mind that sex has to be consensual, respectful and ethical.
I also ask my clients:
- Does sex cause you pain?
- Do you experience vaginal dryness?
The physical changes affecting libido postpartum
After the placenta is delivered, the body begins the process of the single biggest hormonal change that women go through where oestrogen and progesterone plummet to pre-pregnancy levels in a matter of about 5 days. This is a huge shift to go through and is connected to the well known day 3-5 post-birth ‘Baby Blues’. While it is extremely unlikely anyone would be attempting any sexual activity in the first week postpartum while the mother’s body is in such an active state of healing, I mention this hormonal shift as it is the beginning of the changes experienced by new mothers, impacting their sexual desire and experience.
Some women experience pain during intercourse within the first 12 months postpartum. This is a result of low oestrogen affecting vaginal lubrication as well as blood flow to the vulva, which can influence the sensation of pleasure. This is not to say that there aren’t ways to enjoy sex in this time. In fact, I have heard many mothers talk about orgasms being better after having children (once the postpartum healing is well and truly done). I couldn’t find any studies specifically looking at this which is really interesting (this could be because of a lack of funding in the area as one possibility), however there are many non-research articles about this online.
The physical changes occurring in our bodies postpartum are heightened within the first 12 months of having your baby. The physical changes and healing continues for about 2 years postpartum. Some women choose to breastfeed beyond this, which for some may influence libido more long-term. Additionally, postpartum depletion can be another factor affecting libido which can continue on much longer than a two year period, however is out of the scope of this blog. If you’d like to talk more about postpartum depletion, consider joining the Sacred Mother Membership or booking in for a free 15 minute discovery call.
The mental/emotional changes affecting libido postpartum
The mental and emotional changes postpartum continue for much longer than 2 years, and can look different mother to mother. There is so much more discussion coming out now around ‘Mental Load’, the idea that it can be bloody exhausting for women to constantly have a list running in their head:
- What groceries do we need?
- What do I need to pack for the kids to take to the park?
- Which kid needs to be dropped where at what time?
- When does this washing need to be done by to make sure (insert child name) has this piece of clothing ready for (insert activity here)?
- What time do we need to leave the house by to arrive on time?
- What present am I going to buy for my child’s friend’s birthday party this weekend?
- When is this bill due?
- What time do I need to feed the baby?
- Do we have enough clean nappies?
- What are the ingredients in this food?
- Have I exercised today?
- What are the kids going to wear?
- Has the dog been fed/walked/washed?
- When did we last change the sheets?
Mums have notoriously busy minds. This can be exhausting. Without sharing the mental load, this can affect libido. Reducing some of this noise and having time just for you can help (and can equally feel challenging).
Additionally, some Mums experience postpartum rage, depression and/or anxiety, all of which can also contribute to a decreased libido.
On top of this, it is common to feel ‘touched out’ from constantly holding and feeding babies & toddlers, sometimes also having older children who have needs too.
All of this to say – it is understandable to notice changes in your libido as a Mum. Does this mean that you can’t have a wonderful, enjoyable, connection-filled sex life? No! Many mothers are able to have a fulfilling sex life. Does that mean that you need to focus on having this amazing fulfilling sex life right now? Also no. Many couples have open conversations about their sexual needs, with some choosing to move sex down the list of priorities for a period of time while they’re busy navigating parenting young children. It’s a totally individual journey.
Navigating painful sex postpartum
I can’t write this blog without covering this topic. Nobody should ever have to go through painful sex and just endure it.
Here are my top tips for reducing painful sex postpartum:
- See a pelvic floor physio
- Rach Pelvic Physio – I recommend Rach to my clients. Please note: if you’re a current client I have some discount cards available
- Use a good quality lubricant (absolutely essential!!)
- Olive & Bee is a fantastic oil based intimate cream (not safe for use with condoms)
- This can also be used in the vagina to reduce day to day discomfort, it feels really nice & is soothing to the vagina (ie. Not just for use when having sex)
- Bed Intentions is my favourite water based lubricant – it doesn’t even feel like you’re using a lubricant, in the best way possible
- Olive & Bee is a fantastic oil based intimate cream (not safe for use with condoms)
- Slow things down – enjoy non-penetrative intimacy:
- Kisses
- Cuddles
- Skin to skin time with your partner (ie. Naked cuddles)
- Try a sex game that’s based around building intimacy
- Have oral sex
- Stimulate each other using your hands instead of penetration
- When you are having penetrative sex, try different positions – positions that allow for more shallow penetration may feel better
- Also consider using these to help to customize penetration depth
Beyond the physical stuff –
My next recommendation is that you look after you. By prioritizing time for yourself, caring for your own nervous system and doing things that feel good for you, you may find that your capacity to want sexual intimacy increases.
This is something that we can work together on, looking at supporting your nervous system, replenishing your body’s nutritional stores and supporting hormonal regulation.
Additionally, you may find working with a psychologist or counsellor helpful in guiding you through the changes that you’re experiencing. Bec Black is a fabulous psychologist local to Croydon who supports women through the transition into motherhood.
A Final Thought
Your experience with sex and desire during motherhood is uniquely yours. There’s no standard timeline or “right” level of libido. What matters is how you feel and what you want for your life and relationships.
Supporting your body with good nutrition during this time isn’t about “fixing” anything – it’s about giving yourself what you need to feel your best, whatever that means for you.
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Disclaimer:
This blog does not provide individualised health advise. The information mentioned in this blog is educational in nature and is here to help you make informed decisions regarding your health. It is essential that you work with your healthcare practitioners to assess what is right for you.
References:
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-031-18432-1_22